Perhaps there isn't much more to dredge up. Or maybe there is. Of course all of this never happened. This is all just the diary of a present day mad man. The only persons who need read this are those who occurred in it. But as it is all just a fiction my mind has made up for some elaborate reason you are wasting your time reading this. Unless of course what I wrote is about you. But it isn't. But if it is then I do want to hear from you. Which was the point of this entire blogette from the get-go. But we both know you don't exist anymore than these recorded moments existed.
So what is it like to live with such fantasies of the mind. Mostly I just battle keeping a grip on reality with a form of tinnitus that comes and goes and drives me bat shit cuckoo when it kicks into gear like a Cuban embassy office in my head. I should just blame that on these spooks but real or not I like them too much. Need and needed them. I now see them as trans-dimensional types - they are gone now and now I am too far gone to matter. Like my house and neighborhood I too am long past my use by date. Expired. Retired. Forgotten.
Cold cased as I am...
And now having lost my mind I don't know what is real or what was real. I no longer know if what I long for - a reunion of sorts is even possible if this is all just the fragmentary remains of a shattered mind and life. If all that I have written didn't happen then I have to doubt even if I am writing this or if it is in fact writing itself.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Friday, October 27, 2017
Soliloquy for the Invisible Man and Men
After my run in with those guys who do not wear black but who wear casual almost athletic attire so unremarkable you know guys like me couldn't afford to dress like that even if we wanted to - and I for one don't know that I do - well maybe now - but not then. But I can't so I don't.
There was a moment I got into the back seat of a car - the other guy - the interchangeable or random replacement was a sportish youthful type with such a clean shave I almost felt sorry for him. He was driving. I even remember his hair color and texture or so I think. The quiet one of the two was usually the driver. He was handsome this day in the textbook requirement way that guys like this have to be to be made into whatever it is they actually are. I call them the invisibles because they only let you see them when they want you too. And its probably not in your best interest in anyway if you see them. It's not so much that they are bad luck - they are though harbingers of not another person but some sort of change and it probably isn't going to mean for the better so far as you are concerned. But you never know and that is their capital leverage in this equation. The more I think back and remember these events the more it does seem crazy and unbelievable and that is exactly what they said would become of thinking, talking, writing about it, or just plain pondering it with ones basic intellect. And that is another piece of their capital over you. They can also activate your inner police man - the one you keep in your head to keep you out of trouble or jail or prison or that might save your marriage if you listen to it. But you probably won't. I didn't anyway. They can also activate your inner mentally ill self and send you to the cuckoo's nest that you won't get to fly over. They hold the keys to the Judicial system and penal system so far as you are concerned. Maybe not for themselves but certainly for the likes of us. This is precisely why I first listened to them and took them dead serious. Dead. Serious. Remember, I grew up in the shadow of my sister Margo's 38 year prison sentence that our entire family served with her. And she got her start with all of that in High School and at a mental health institution that in those days wasn't out patient. It was still then very much Nurse Ratcheds domain of feminine control and socio-gender revenge. So I knew that if these guys wanted to pay attention to me then it was either going to be prison or death or both as in Margo's eventuality. I was surprised at their casual sociability. The Men In Black days were at least for me over or happening somewhere else. They didn't even sport sunglasses. I almost remember the color of their eyes. Or think I do.
I got into the back of another nameless sedan it could have been domestic or foreign but it was bland - that was all that stood out. Unremarkable. Forgettable. And this is still a motor-city knock off. This sedan wasn't meant to stand out and I think for that reason I sort of in a mannish way felt sorry for these guys driving an aged widows unremarkable sedan. I believe this was the car park next to the River I grew up on the banks of. So they were in my territory. I think I even offered to show them around - which they dismissed without any dismissal. That ability when you are on the receiving end of it will make you feel small. It will make you feel more under endowed that you already think you are. It will make it all shrink up in that way that kills your confidence or what's left of it. There was no gesture - no word - they heard the invitation - they just paid it no mind with such an ability as only training and a busy job yields. So having started out with such a dismissal my mind wandered even as I answered questions. There was a bag next to me. As the driver was more sportier in attire than the handler that day I figured the bag was his. The bag looked like it was pulled off sporting goods store display rack - merchandised with all the items one would ideally want but could not ever afford all of. Socks so meticulously folded, A waistband of some sort of briefs or trunks, T-shirt rolled up, a towel or two... So naturally I'm hoping to see something used - something that suggests these guys are human. Something that has been worn. A sweat wet T-shirt or supporter of sorts anything jockish. Its wrong but the fact that their visits seemed so choreographed to someone like me suggests that in some Alice in Wonderland way this bag is on purpose. This bag isn't what it seems. This bag might be a test. Otherwise it would be in the trunk of the sedan or at least in the front seat. I gave the bag a once over - looked at its fabric and stitching. Either they live an upper end life and are so Military trained they live their lives as if its merchandised by their self discipline or there is something in the bag... I couldn't see anything to suggest it. I wasn't a fool I wasn't going to pry into it although I admit I wanted to. I checked the rear view mirror expecting at least one set of eyes. They were looking down at their phones or laptops. I suppose a lesser person would have ran off with the bag. I politely ignored it as it wasn't mine - this entire situation they owned even when absorbed by their devices. I try to be a man and a gentleman at that in general at this point in life. It wasn't my business. But I did wonder if it indicated a dismissive sort of default trust. That at this point they themselves knew I was a waste of time. And I knew I was. And it really cuts deep when you realize your very human existence is a waste of someone's time who is getting paid a wage you will never see in your lifetime no matter how hard you work. And they already by nature have the good looks - the strong slender builds - the keen eye and intense sharp minds - the jovial forced sense of casual humor that make life in the Midwest amicable. In short you rightly assume they are packing an enviable uncut gun as well in addition to the one in their concealed holster. They really are who you want to be. They are who you would be if you could design your genetic mortality and social fate with God before you are born and sent to this miserable life on this planet; a planet that you will never really see the beauty and majesty of from a life of retail and social servitude. And like in Plato's Book 7 of the Republic you will just see false and flickering images on your TV. They know your existential dilemma before you even knew it. And by the time you have realized it they have forgotten you. So the real question is why - when the dust settles is it impossible to hate them. They somehow bring magic - you know magick with a 'k' - almost pagan despite being so deceptively packaged in casual attire. They are physically and mentally larger than life. Their presence is formidable and yet somehow socially acceptable and in a way unnoticeable in passing. It's all enough to make you think there is some sort of master race being cultivated by these governmental agencies. My father was a WWII Veteran - I was a late comer to the family. They live in a class of people that I am not nor ever will be able to be even a janitor to. They have all my admiration after all their machinations with me and once they achieved that - then me and my admiration did not matter. If I hadn't been a US Citizen I doubt my life would have mattered. And I'm not certain it did. My only card to play was co-operation even if I was going to hell for it. It could have all ended badly - and in a way it did end badly - but it could have ended badly in a way even they would have thought was bad. And they might have given it a passing thought that that was a shame before it was forgotten. It all ended in a way I still think bad but they don't think that. My consolation is I am alive. So why did I want to blow my brains out two years ago. I dunno maybe ask them for me if you see them.
After you make your peace with their visits and conversations and what they ask even if they knew I would fail as I did - I don't know when the plug was pulled and they disappeared - something in me snapped. A significant part of my being was either lost or shut down. I'm not the person I was. I don't like or even approve of the changes - the mind changes and you learn not to fight it. You just have to submit and accept your lowly place in the natural or unnatural order of these things. No matter how hard you want to matter in this life to this class of people and above - you do not matter - you never did matter - you never will matter - they never owed you anything - they will never share anything whatsoever with you monetarily, or even just basic social egalitarian generosity like say at a cocktail party. You won't run into them on the street unless they want you to.
It's not objective of me to confess my feelings now for them. This is a blogette for chrissakes. This isn't NPR - it's not even Fox. This is my diary. My confession. Their sin. Their betrayal perhaps. My wrong. Its my brain regurgitating a history as I best can recall it. Its not all accurate because even my perception is skewed. They know this and its all part of their advantage. I admire them. They had a job to do. They won me over. The inner workings of my mind changed in time. I am someone else now. I do not approve of this or the result I just accept it. It came with social losses. I am a loner like I have never been as a result. It beats a prison cell or a grave no one knows about. A Grave no one knows about is pretty much my life anyway at present so I write this.
So regardless of your sexual orientation you will find these men affect you. All I can figure is they have some spray bottle of mens athletic brand fragrance you probably know or own yourself but they have infused it with something like a pheromone to target you with. If you are all straight then underneath the mens fragrance is some ovulating woman's pheromone that you will be unaware of - and whilst sitting in the backseat of their rented car you are trying to suppress a stubborn hardon that is making you feel conflicted just as they shut the meeting down. And that wasn't an accident or coincidence either. I am sure this is all fiction - I'm just trying to remember what I went through. But you know the situation. You have an embarrassing and continuing swelling in your crotch right when the social parameters are changed and you are dismissed and your heart is racing in your chest and even though these guys aren't your type or gender or not - you get back to your car and wonder what the f*ck just happened. And these guys driving away are such geeks that they are either oblivious or such work horses they aren't even getting a chortle out of the spontaneity of their work. Although if I remember correctly - they wait for you to drive off first so you have no idea where they are going - even though they are trained for this sort of thing and you are not.
So then you spend more time than you want to despite your orientation (whatever it is) in trying to convince yourself that none of this matters - You don't want to like them that way - etc. And you talk yourself down literally and figuratively and you go back to your mundane existence knowing that there is more out there than you will ever be allowed to enter into. And that you would do anything to be a part of it. Anything. And that you are somehow now a zombie and they can lead you to do things they never would because its your ass on the line not theirs and somehow from now on that's ok. Wrong - oh so wrong - but its going to be ok. Or so you tell yourself because you want to know more. You want to meet with them again.
Except it won't happen. Fast forward a year or two and you are laying on the floor of an empty room against the wall trying to cradle hug yourself while crying beyond anything you have ever cried for in your life. And its not anyone thing - its everything its the summation of your life - all your deaths of family and friends all your failures and regrets. Its like everything and yet not anyone thing - there was no trigger - it just hit you one day like an invisible force and doesn't leave. And you are rocking and crying and trying to cradle yourself for so long you lose track of time. It subsides only to return. And guess who is sitting in your living room smirking - offering you his gun and showing you how to operate it and where in your head to point it. For the first time in a long time since your last handshake you feel the warmth from his larger than your hand. That goes with his larger than your life. And you wonder if he is an Angel then which kind or perhaps both. But it all in your head.
And somehow without his help you manage a call and end up in an outpatient mental health clinic and they put on you on a regime of meds for a PTSD War Veteran for what used to be called Shell Shock and you work yourself through that program and get out - then Margo dies unexpectedly taking with her to her crematorium grave all reason to be here in central Ohio. And you put your dog down because his chronic immune disorder is killing you to watch. And you hold him for his lethal injection and in just that moment before the needle - he looks like he did when you got him before he became so sick.
And if you didn't love this canine like it was your last living relative you might just realize that your relationship with this dog isn't unlike your relationship with your handler who only plays the part of actually caring about you which if you are smart you won't let your feelings mistake for anything even approximating love from these kind of guys. Which I'm glad to say I did not do. I never thought love was in the equation - love of money yes not me or them or any such combination. These are the people who can and will kill you if necessary. Its a tough job but in this world someone has to do it. And yippee now I respect that sort of thing - mind control or as I call it life control is pretty astonishing in how far we have come.
And all homosexual disclaimers aside - although I was attracted to these men - and some more than others - I think I learned a few years back while traveling through parts of the world where being a homosexual is a Capital offense - I learned how to professionally secure my physical and or emotional longing or needs - to lock them up so that I could return from those places with my head attached. So then meeting with these guys - ok yeh they are really from top to bottom more than your average man in just about all the ways possible - so you just push those thoughts down literally and figuratively because for me it was a matter of respect. Of being a gentleman. Of not needing to take my sexuality or emotional needs everywhere all the time as some must. And I was at least smart enough to know it was never going to be an option no matter what part they were playing. And gosh it still was a privilege though to be around. When you write this much for no good reason you can embed those kind of thoughts in all these words and they sort of get lost in there and generally missed or looked over. And don't matter. So no harm done. After all I guess this is my side of the story - I'm writing it for them. I think anyway. I mean its almost little more than fan mail. Its certainly not a love letter. I am though asking for some Time as I've said to pierce the digital veil between us. Which sadly isn't going to happen. So what choice is there here. I have to delve into my mind and dredge up all the memory that I can of something that I am not suppose to understand and certainly not to be discussing with you dear reader. I wish to god though Dave or Mike et al would read this and I know they won't. They will probably want to stay clear in their mind and steer clear of the kind of information such as this that is well below their pay grade now.
And maybe its my ego but perhaps if this was read then perhaps something good would come of it before it just getting dismissed upon the first scan. Perhaps maybe someone in similar shoes as I was in will have a better outcome as a result. Perhaps the money spent on interrogation and to instill fear could be rerouted to favor the information services victim to help and not do incidental harm. What if for once the cat fed the mouse. Or what if the dog killed the cat to help the mouse. Well my dog RiP would have killed the damn mouse for he was a better mouser than any cat. So maybe I am a useless carcass with a maddening gut disease that is a drain on the system and I am long past due for extermination.
Never-the-less I haven't ever wanted to talk to someone to the degree I want to with these Mike and Ike's - And that is what spooks me most now - my desire in this equation. Desire for time and to speak. To see what is there again. Somehow Dave became the hero in this story and somehow I was remade though certainly not made whole. You can't give someone like me a frontal lobotomy without some unwanted consequences. So those add to the problems before that sent these guys a knocking. I just somehow set off a lot less red flags than I used to. In short nothing was solved. and I don't want to detail that because it will only make me that much more pathetic to admit. But this desire to have at least some off the record back door access is driving me insane. This sliver in the Matrix that they somehow can step through that I cannot. As it turns out I need them more than they ever needed me. And this is beyond closure. Is there some humanity in here to respond to this. These flares. These forbidden messages of craziness and help. These reverse assessments of a non professional nature.
Shut away in a tomb of a ghetto-lite 9oo square foot house long past its use by date. Rather like its owner a gut sick depressive failing work horse in a rusting tertiary economy. Too gut grouchy to be of any use except for these unwanted words. As always and again for somebody who wasn't really named Dave. Better than a celebrity. Genuinely larger than life Dave unlike anything a celebrity could hope for.
This is all probably less than fan mail anyway. I'm not even a lab rat human trapped in a digital maze. Oh for chrissakes this is like trying to communicate beyond the veil that gets so thin this close to Hallowe'en night.
There was a moment I got into the back seat of a car - the other guy - the interchangeable or random replacement was a sportish youthful type with such a clean shave I almost felt sorry for him. He was driving. I even remember his hair color and texture or so I think. The quiet one of the two was usually the driver. He was handsome this day in the textbook requirement way that guys like this have to be to be made into whatever it is they actually are. I call them the invisibles because they only let you see them when they want you too. And its probably not in your best interest in anyway if you see them. It's not so much that they are bad luck - they are though harbingers of not another person but some sort of change and it probably isn't going to mean for the better so far as you are concerned. But you never know and that is their capital leverage in this equation. The more I think back and remember these events the more it does seem crazy and unbelievable and that is exactly what they said would become of thinking, talking, writing about it, or just plain pondering it with ones basic intellect. And that is another piece of their capital over you. They can also activate your inner police man - the one you keep in your head to keep you out of trouble or jail or prison or that might save your marriage if you listen to it. But you probably won't. I didn't anyway. They can also activate your inner mentally ill self and send you to the cuckoo's nest that you won't get to fly over. They hold the keys to the Judicial system and penal system so far as you are concerned. Maybe not for themselves but certainly for the likes of us. This is precisely why I first listened to them and took them dead serious. Dead. Serious. Remember, I grew up in the shadow of my sister Margo's 38 year prison sentence that our entire family served with her. And she got her start with all of that in High School and at a mental health institution that in those days wasn't out patient. It was still then very much Nurse Ratcheds domain of feminine control and socio-gender revenge. So I knew that if these guys wanted to pay attention to me then it was either going to be prison or death or both as in Margo's eventuality. I was surprised at their casual sociability. The Men In Black days were at least for me over or happening somewhere else. They didn't even sport sunglasses. I almost remember the color of their eyes. Or think I do.
I got into the back of another nameless sedan it could have been domestic or foreign but it was bland - that was all that stood out. Unremarkable. Forgettable. And this is still a motor-city knock off. This sedan wasn't meant to stand out and I think for that reason I sort of in a mannish way felt sorry for these guys driving an aged widows unremarkable sedan. I believe this was the car park next to the River I grew up on the banks of. So they were in my territory. I think I even offered to show them around - which they dismissed without any dismissal. That ability when you are on the receiving end of it will make you feel small. It will make you feel more under endowed that you already think you are. It will make it all shrink up in that way that kills your confidence or what's left of it. There was no gesture - no word - they heard the invitation - they just paid it no mind with such an ability as only training and a busy job yields. So having started out with such a dismissal my mind wandered even as I answered questions. There was a bag next to me. As the driver was more sportier in attire than the handler that day I figured the bag was his. The bag looked like it was pulled off sporting goods store display rack - merchandised with all the items one would ideally want but could not ever afford all of. Socks so meticulously folded, A waistband of some sort of briefs or trunks, T-shirt rolled up, a towel or two... So naturally I'm hoping to see something used - something that suggests these guys are human. Something that has been worn. A sweat wet T-shirt or supporter of sorts anything jockish. Its wrong but the fact that their visits seemed so choreographed to someone like me suggests that in some Alice in Wonderland way this bag is on purpose. This bag isn't what it seems. This bag might be a test. Otherwise it would be in the trunk of the sedan or at least in the front seat. I gave the bag a once over - looked at its fabric and stitching. Either they live an upper end life and are so Military trained they live their lives as if its merchandised by their self discipline or there is something in the bag... I couldn't see anything to suggest it. I wasn't a fool I wasn't going to pry into it although I admit I wanted to. I checked the rear view mirror expecting at least one set of eyes. They were looking down at their phones or laptops. I suppose a lesser person would have ran off with the bag. I politely ignored it as it wasn't mine - this entire situation they owned even when absorbed by their devices. I try to be a man and a gentleman at that in general at this point in life. It wasn't my business. But I did wonder if it indicated a dismissive sort of default trust. That at this point they themselves knew I was a waste of time. And I knew I was. And it really cuts deep when you realize your very human existence is a waste of someone's time who is getting paid a wage you will never see in your lifetime no matter how hard you work. And they already by nature have the good looks - the strong slender builds - the keen eye and intense sharp minds - the jovial forced sense of casual humor that make life in the Midwest amicable. In short you rightly assume they are packing an enviable uncut gun as well in addition to the one in their concealed holster. They really are who you want to be. They are who you would be if you could design your genetic mortality and social fate with God before you are born and sent to this miserable life on this planet; a planet that you will never really see the beauty and majesty of from a life of retail and social servitude. And like in Plato's Book 7 of the Republic you will just see false and flickering images on your TV. They know your existential dilemma before you even knew it. And by the time you have realized it they have forgotten you. So the real question is why - when the dust settles is it impossible to hate them. They somehow bring magic - you know magick with a 'k' - almost pagan despite being so deceptively packaged in casual attire. They are physically and mentally larger than life. Their presence is formidable and yet somehow socially acceptable and in a way unnoticeable in passing. It's all enough to make you think there is some sort of master race being cultivated by these governmental agencies. My father was a WWII Veteran - I was a late comer to the family. They live in a class of people that I am not nor ever will be able to be even a janitor to. They have all my admiration after all their machinations with me and once they achieved that - then me and my admiration did not matter. If I hadn't been a US Citizen I doubt my life would have mattered. And I'm not certain it did. My only card to play was co-operation even if I was going to hell for it. It could have all ended badly - and in a way it did end badly - but it could have ended badly in a way even they would have thought was bad. And they might have given it a passing thought that that was a shame before it was forgotten. It all ended in a way I still think bad but they don't think that. My consolation is I am alive. So why did I want to blow my brains out two years ago. I dunno maybe ask them for me if you see them.
After you make your peace with their visits and conversations and what they ask even if they knew I would fail as I did - I don't know when the plug was pulled and they disappeared - something in me snapped. A significant part of my being was either lost or shut down. I'm not the person I was. I don't like or even approve of the changes - the mind changes and you learn not to fight it. You just have to submit and accept your lowly place in the natural or unnatural order of these things. No matter how hard you want to matter in this life to this class of people and above - you do not matter - you never did matter - you never will matter - they never owed you anything - they will never share anything whatsoever with you monetarily, or even just basic social egalitarian generosity like say at a cocktail party. You won't run into them on the street unless they want you to.
It's not objective of me to confess my feelings now for them. This is a blogette for chrissakes. This isn't NPR - it's not even Fox. This is my diary. My confession. Their sin. Their betrayal perhaps. My wrong. Its my brain regurgitating a history as I best can recall it. Its not all accurate because even my perception is skewed. They know this and its all part of their advantage. I admire them. They had a job to do. They won me over. The inner workings of my mind changed in time. I am someone else now. I do not approve of this or the result I just accept it. It came with social losses. I am a loner like I have never been as a result. It beats a prison cell or a grave no one knows about. A Grave no one knows about is pretty much my life anyway at present so I write this.
So regardless of your sexual orientation you will find these men affect you. All I can figure is they have some spray bottle of mens athletic brand fragrance you probably know or own yourself but they have infused it with something like a pheromone to target you with. If you are all straight then underneath the mens fragrance is some ovulating woman's pheromone that you will be unaware of - and whilst sitting in the backseat of their rented car you are trying to suppress a stubborn hardon that is making you feel conflicted just as they shut the meeting down. And that wasn't an accident or coincidence either. I am sure this is all fiction - I'm just trying to remember what I went through. But you know the situation. You have an embarrassing and continuing swelling in your crotch right when the social parameters are changed and you are dismissed and your heart is racing in your chest and even though these guys aren't your type or gender or not - you get back to your car and wonder what the f*ck just happened. And these guys driving away are such geeks that they are either oblivious or such work horses they aren't even getting a chortle out of the spontaneity of their work. Although if I remember correctly - they wait for you to drive off first so you have no idea where they are going - even though they are trained for this sort of thing and you are not.
So then you spend more time than you want to despite your orientation (whatever it is) in trying to convince yourself that none of this matters - You don't want to like them that way - etc. And you talk yourself down literally and figuratively and you go back to your mundane existence knowing that there is more out there than you will ever be allowed to enter into. And that you would do anything to be a part of it. Anything. And that you are somehow now a zombie and they can lead you to do things they never would because its your ass on the line not theirs and somehow from now on that's ok. Wrong - oh so wrong - but its going to be ok. Or so you tell yourself because you want to know more. You want to meet with them again.
Except it won't happen. Fast forward a year or two and you are laying on the floor of an empty room against the wall trying to cradle hug yourself while crying beyond anything you have ever cried for in your life. And its not anyone thing - its everything its the summation of your life - all your deaths of family and friends all your failures and regrets. Its like everything and yet not anyone thing - there was no trigger - it just hit you one day like an invisible force and doesn't leave. And you are rocking and crying and trying to cradle yourself for so long you lose track of time. It subsides only to return. And guess who is sitting in your living room smirking - offering you his gun and showing you how to operate it and where in your head to point it. For the first time in a long time since your last handshake you feel the warmth from his larger than your hand. That goes with his larger than your life. And you wonder if he is an Angel then which kind or perhaps both. But it all in your head.
And somehow without his help you manage a call and end up in an outpatient mental health clinic and they put on you on a regime of meds for a PTSD War Veteran for what used to be called Shell Shock and you work yourself through that program and get out - then Margo dies unexpectedly taking with her to her crematorium grave all reason to be here in central Ohio. And you put your dog down because his chronic immune disorder is killing you to watch. And you hold him for his lethal injection and in just that moment before the needle - he looks like he did when you got him before he became so sick.
And if you didn't love this canine like it was your last living relative you might just realize that your relationship with this dog isn't unlike your relationship with your handler who only plays the part of actually caring about you which if you are smart you won't let your feelings mistake for anything even approximating love from these kind of guys. Which I'm glad to say I did not do. I never thought love was in the equation - love of money yes not me or them or any such combination. These are the people who can and will kill you if necessary. Its a tough job but in this world someone has to do it. And yippee now I respect that sort of thing - mind control or as I call it life control is pretty astonishing in how far we have come.
And all homosexual disclaimers aside - although I was attracted to these men - and some more than others - I think I learned a few years back while traveling through parts of the world where being a homosexual is a Capital offense - I learned how to professionally secure my physical and or emotional longing or needs - to lock them up so that I could return from those places with my head attached. So then meeting with these guys - ok yeh they are really from top to bottom more than your average man in just about all the ways possible - so you just push those thoughts down literally and figuratively because for me it was a matter of respect. Of being a gentleman. Of not needing to take my sexuality or emotional needs everywhere all the time as some must. And I was at least smart enough to know it was never going to be an option no matter what part they were playing. And gosh it still was a privilege though to be around. When you write this much for no good reason you can embed those kind of thoughts in all these words and they sort of get lost in there and generally missed or looked over. And don't matter. So no harm done. After all I guess this is my side of the story - I'm writing it for them. I think anyway. I mean its almost little more than fan mail. Its certainly not a love letter. I am though asking for some Time as I've said to pierce the digital veil between us. Which sadly isn't going to happen. So what choice is there here. I have to delve into my mind and dredge up all the memory that I can of something that I am not suppose to understand and certainly not to be discussing with you dear reader. I wish to god though Dave or Mike et al would read this and I know they won't. They will probably want to stay clear in their mind and steer clear of the kind of information such as this that is well below their pay grade now.
And maybe its my ego but perhaps if this was read then perhaps something good would come of it before it just getting dismissed upon the first scan. Perhaps maybe someone in similar shoes as I was in will have a better outcome as a result. Perhaps the money spent on interrogation and to instill fear could be rerouted to favor the information services victim to help and not do incidental harm. What if for once the cat fed the mouse. Or what if the dog killed the cat to help the mouse. Well my dog RiP would have killed the damn mouse for he was a better mouser than any cat. So maybe I am a useless carcass with a maddening gut disease that is a drain on the system and I am long past due for extermination.
Never-the-less I haven't ever wanted to talk to someone to the degree I want to with these Mike and Ike's - And that is what spooks me most now - my desire in this equation. Desire for time and to speak. To see what is there again. Somehow Dave became the hero in this story and somehow I was remade though certainly not made whole. You can't give someone like me a frontal lobotomy without some unwanted consequences. So those add to the problems before that sent these guys a knocking. I just somehow set off a lot less red flags than I used to. In short nothing was solved. and I don't want to detail that because it will only make me that much more pathetic to admit. But this desire to have at least some off the record back door access is driving me insane. This sliver in the Matrix that they somehow can step through that I cannot. As it turns out I need them more than they ever needed me. And this is beyond closure. Is there some humanity in here to respond to this. These flares. These forbidden messages of craziness and help. These reverse assessments of a non professional nature.
Shut away in a tomb of a ghetto-lite 9oo square foot house long past its use by date. Rather like its owner a gut sick depressive failing work horse in a rusting tertiary economy. Too gut grouchy to be of any use except for these unwanted words. As always and again for somebody who wasn't really named Dave. Better than a celebrity. Genuinely larger than life Dave unlike anything a celebrity could hope for.
This is all probably less than fan mail anyway. I'm not even a lab rat human trapped in a digital maze. Oh for chrissakes this is like trying to communicate beyond the veil that gets so thin this close to Hallowe'en night.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Lone Wolf
Here is my life now - There is a collection of family and friends who inhabit graves - I have a collection of tombstones or memorial markers as my loved ones. Consequently the people I know the best are radio personalities or journalists on the one hand to film celebrities on the other. These are one sided arrangements. I know them but they do not even know of my existence. They do not know my name or where I reside. They don't know my lifes strange history... Then the people who know me best - the Aye-Gents of the FB-eye know me quite well but I do not know them. Or at least they once did. They know my names - my life's history - perhaps better than me. They have their assessments their opinions and even to some degree their experience with me. I cannot say that about them. I do not know their real names. I do not even know for certain where they work or for who exactly. I know nothing about them and in fact as far as I am concerned in their minds they do not actually exist for I cannot call them by name or find them. They know my name and my worth and where and how to get a hold of me. They have their assessments of course and their conclusions and I have been filed away and shelved. But there are things they don't know despite perhaps knowing me better than I can say I know myself.
When your inventory of yourself is like mine - like this - That your loved ones lay below memorial stones and the people you know don't know you and you don't know the people who know you best - you are as I am a mad dog or as they say a lone wolf. So when I watch the news on occasion as I do and I try not to - I fear I understand those people who inexplicably become mass - well - you know - the bad guys who for good reason are vilified. Sadly I somehow relate to them. But let me underscore that I have no desire to hurt anything or for that matter anyone. Although I am not a vegetarian I am conflicted about eating meat especially meat and dairy products from factory farms - those animal Auschwitz from where our food we eat comes from. My own depression and mental health struggle just means I connect to people who have their own demons and their own battles. For chrissakes my very own sister served three life sentences before dying in an old Ohio prison - so forgive me if the perpetrators of social carnage somehow make some sense to me. Perhaps I understand the personal devastation that leads people to implode in such away as to take down others in their own life tragedy. But it ends there.
What I don't understand though is how I ended up in this corner. A corner of isolation. Yet here I am. an assortment of grave markers as my family friends. Abandoned by agents awhile ago. Stuck with the company of radio and internet and the personalities there within to bond with in one sided ways.
I've sent up flares - I have asked for help. I have worked hard to get through a mental health program to get functional enough to hold a job and not be a danger to myself or anyone else. And yet where am I. Alone. Off on my own. Disconnected. Its hard to keep a strong face in the middle of that. It is baffling to talk to people who do not have these challenges. I am painfully alone. It feels like I live under a curse. In reality I just live in the shadow of a mental health and gut condition I do not understand.
Then there are the assortment of therapists I have seen - those are also one sided social equations. They know me intimately - I only know their name and their professional qualifications and what little they tell me about their life outside of their profession. There is no social reciprocity in my life. I detest going to self check outs when stopping in at a grocery store - to be talked at by a machine I am scanning my purchases from. So I wait in long lines to go through a check out with an actual person for the small talk. Its a pseudo social moment but better than a machine and better than none at all.
It just shouldnt be this easy to end up this way and it shouldn't be this hard to change it.
I have done the best I could - I failed at most things I tried. I have to live with this - those men who know me aren't going to step in - they are not going to do the generous thing and pierce the electronic veil that separates their reality from mine - And though I hope otherwise I know better. And I know I won't have a relationship to correct this trajectory of misery. I make the best of it. I am thankful for my house and car and job and that is about as interesting as my life right now gets.
It beats thinking about the unrepentant diarrhea I am prone to. It is better than thinking there is a curse or that major depression and PTSD in one form or another dictates my mental and emotional structures.
I just live with a lot of regret and a lot of grief and a lot of isolation. And that is no reason to talk to a current or former agent of information.
When your inventory of yourself is like mine - like this - That your loved ones lay below memorial stones and the people you know don't know you and you don't know the people who know you best - you are as I am a mad dog or as they say a lone wolf. So when I watch the news on occasion as I do and I try not to - I fear I understand those people who inexplicably become mass - well - you know - the bad guys who for good reason are vilified. Sadly I somehow relate to them. But let me underscore that I have no desire to hurt anything or for that matter anyone. Although I am not a vegetarian I am conflicted about eating meat especially meat and dairy products from factory farms - those animal Auschwitz from where our food we eat comes from. My own depression and mental health struggle just means I connect to people who have their own demons and their own battles. For chrissakes my very own sister served three life sentences before dying in an old Ohio prison - so forgive me if the perpetrators of social carnage somehow make some sense to me. Perhaps I understand the personal devastation that leads people to implode in such away as to take down others in their own life tragedy. But it ends there.
What I don't understand though is how I ended up in this corner. A corner of isolation. Yet here I am. an assortment of grave markers as my family friends. Abandoned by agents awhile ago. Stuck with the company of radio and internet and the personalities there within to bond with in one sided ways.
I've sent up flares - I have asked for help. I have worked hard to get through a mental health program to get functional enough to hold a job and not be a danger to myself or anyone else. And yet where am I. Alone. Off on my own. Disconnected. Its hard to keep a strong face in the middle of that. It is baffling to talk to people who do not have these challenges. I am painfully alone. It feels like I live under a curse. In reality I just live in the shadow of a mental health and gut condition I do not understand.
Then there are the assortment of therapists I have seen - those are also one sided social equations. They know me intimately - I only know their name and their professional qualifications and what little they tell me about their life outside of their profession. There is no social reciprocity in my life. I detest going to self check outs when stopping in at a grocery store - to be talked at by a machine I am scanning my purchases from. So I wait in long lines to go through a check out with an actual person for the small talk. Its a pseudo social moment but better than a machine and better than none at all.
It just shouldnt be this easy to end up this way and it shouldn't be this hard to change it.
I have done the best I could - I failed at most things I tried. I have to live with this - those men who know me aren't going to step in - they are not going to do the generous thing and pierce the electronic veil that separates their reality from mine - And though I hope otherwise I know better. And I know I won't have a relationship to correct this trajectory of misery. I make the best of it. I am thankful for my house and car and job and that is about as interesting as my life right now gets.
It beats thinking about the unrepentant diarrhea I am prone to. It is better than thinking there is a curse or that major depression and PTSD in one form or another dictates my mental and emotional structures.
I just live with a lot of regret and a lot of grief and a lot of isolation. And that is no reason to talk to a current or former agent of information.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
As The Pendulum Swings; Beyond the Electronic Veil
My sincerest apologies from the Notes From A Solitary Confinement about getting all colonic on you but from unrepentant diarrhea and vomiting my bowels and innards have swung to being in lock down with my guts bound up in opiate like induced constipation and some more puking. On the plus side my weight isn't in free fall. At the moment anyway. Regrettably all without the relief of any opiates. Well I write this to a ghost like handler who disappeared while hoping against hope that beyond the electronic veil these submissions are being read despite the obvious lack of electronic foot prints. Not only is the intended ghost handler not there and not reading this neither is no one from any bureau or department. Because case closed. File filed away and shelved to obscurity like my writing either by chance or purpose is confined somehow to recesses of the electronic frontier no one - friend or foe - will happen upon - at least while I am alive. And my days are numbered like my pulse and it all feels like its closing in. The noose is getting tighter as the veins clog and my mind slows. The weight drops and my mortality has become all too apparent. I was mined for information like gold. And then left hollow. Strip mined. Abandoned, polluted and left to rot like most corners of the Rustbelt if you look.
I joined The Dissappeared. Except I am here. I function in a life of spartan economics. Without holidays or moments to look forward. Forgotten. Family and friends all died and left me with an assortment of tombstones.
Like every attempt in my life this too was a waste of time - except this time it wasn't a waste of time for me - it was a privilege to engage for a few rare moments with better minds from better economic classes with better educations with these Agents of the dark. Their privilege rubbed off on to me as my lack of privilege soiled their hands and minds and perhaps wasted their precious time in their remarkable careers. Perhaps that is my only consolation. I somehow managed to waste the time of someone better than me - wasted the budget of a department that I question the ethics of. Although that was never my intention it was at the beginning of this entire charade a thought that has been there since this all started. A thought long since forgotten that writing like this has drudged up from my memory. Like when they first came a knocking that day - they went to my neighbor who then called me to tell me these nefarious men in black were on their doorstep looking for me - and it was all so laughable - and for once in my life - some strange force - an instinct for survival rightly welled up in me and I had a good laugh. Back then it was Scott and Mike. Dave hadn't yet been brought in for what I presumed was training. In those days I thought I was being used as a training exercise and I acquiesced out of curiosity and perhaps hope that I would be needed outside of the trap of the Rustbelt. That I would end up back over seas to other worlds I was then keenly interested in - places that have now been reduced to near rubble. Or I had hoped I would find a path to work just out of the Rustbelt - at the least. Or that my forays into real estate wouldn't have been trampled on and questioned by Spooks to such a threatening degree as they were. It was a courageous and naive attempt on my part to try to make something for myself within the confines of the Rustbelt - and though it was all my fault... I learned some good lessons ...my only regret is not having a property now with which to rent to apply the lessons learned from my mistakes. Well Spooks a spooking and gut disease and the subsequent mental health complications that go with a cocktail such as all that aren't good for business. I take the blame. And they blamed me for it then callously and perhaps ballsy of them and they walked away and didn't look back and they have no regret or shame or conscience about it. I am out of their picture - beyond the scope of their sacred secret realm where they can choose to apply their conscience to their world. But I don't inhabit that world. And boy did they let me know that. I only saw an inaccurate glimmer of their world from the privileged moments I got confined to the back seat of rental automobile.
And all I am left with is laughing at myself. Being embarrassed by myself. By learning very fast how inconsequential I am and how entirely expendable. I'm so expendable I am not even worth the trouble of being expended. I was left to being confined to the cave of my own ineptitude and failure within the Rustbelt. My college education nor decade overseas nor time spent beyond the confines of the West to those places few Americans seldom ever see was going to save me from my own ineptitude without my spouse there to help steer me away from the traps of my own making. But these guys left me on that collision course - watched it happen - perhaps even egged it on with snide commentaries. And here I am confined to anonymity in the Rustbelt and within the electronic frontier. And I just have to be thankful it isn't the literal prison cell my sister Margo inhabited for 38 years that I am confined to in the Midwest. I have to be content that I am not in a coffin or another unaccounted for corpse beneath the surface somewhere. But this - this life of mine - is an existence much like being buried alive. No partner. No one to date. Because I wouldn't want to share my gut disease or mental health with anyone. I have to be a stalwart bachelor lacking a hug since Margo died back in '15. Buried alive in a burnt out neighborhood. Stuck in a used house long past its expiration date. And despite the stock markets historic achievements at present I am stuck in entry level retail where I struggle to compete. With no vacation days to look forward to. No retirement. Just existence - and confinement trapped in a casket of a life none of these Agents I knew would care to inhabit with me for even a week.
And I have to be thankful to do so everyday I have without having to drag a colostomy bag around. My life is in effect over. It ended in the Spring on 2013 with Daves farewell conversation via a telephone call. Little more than a text message break-up. A call he was making out of obligation - a call he didn't seem to want to make but a call that wasn't really pleasant either. And as it became apparent where it was going all I could blurt out was something like from a song from the old film the Breakfast Club - really - really that was the best I could summon for such a moment. Don't forget about me. A line once delivered I regretted. But getting basically told as much as to be fired or broken up with - I've survived divorce and I possibly found this departure from my life much harder. Because at least in divorce I knew what was wrong on both sides of that equation. In this equation all I wanted to know was why. Why this. Why me. Why the interrogations. What were you guys up to and what did you want from me. And I never, never knew. And I had to use my imagination to fill in the blanks. And when they retreated from the ether of reality from whence they came that curious imagination turned on me and sent me into a modern day suburban out patient insane asylum. And well some of that dynamic is on their conscience - As of course it was one of their threats. Or somehow fullfilling prophecies - and I had to will myself to get better with no help from the consequences of their superior meddling forces. And so I write this appealing to their sense of humanity and compassion to just somehow - be there - on the other end of this electronic line - to pierce the electronic veil that they control - and to for chrissakes - offer a hand up - if not a hand out. And just because some of their victims are dead - and I'm not - not reaching up with a skeletal arm from a grave beneath the surface - I am alive - and reaching - wanting to know some why's - and also - how's so as to get out of this rut of economic entrapment that is the Rustbelt. I have always maintained that a better tactic they could have used would have been just that. No hand out - but a hand up. To understand something of the world I was in. To be illuminated about the economics of this place - and instead of threats of consequences for trying in real estate - some analysis and gee - even just encouragement - would have gone a long way.
So now I sit at home alone - sip the occasional Gin Tonic and watch some Spy related TV show, or documentary or movie to get closer to the memories I have of them. I haven't had a crush like this in a long time nor one so enduring. And like crushes are its all so one dimensional. Its only happening on my side - the forgotten side - of the electronic veil. I am not even a foot note in their careers memory or a regret - or a nagging voice from within their buried conscience that their formidable careers and paycheck and benefits - formidable when compared to mine - keep them detached from having to deal with.
I am here though. Waiting. Like a widow on the roof walk of a house in denial about a husband who will not come home from having met with the Siren of the song from the sea.
I am here - I will wait. Tending to gravestones and not going anywhere. Steadfast in my own way. Having accepted the curse of the Rustbelt economic containment. Accepting being dismissed. Grateful for having been relieved even if I didn't want to be. Perhaps even grateful I wasn't killed off.
I will though regret always not being sent to some lonesome mobile home in a dry climate away from whatever went on around me here.
That is perhaps my one bit of criticism to that Agency. To those men. That I was left like a sitting duck and perhaps that was the fate they assigned to me to have to face. The consequences for something I was to never be illuminated on that happened around me. That's a bitter realization to face in these revealing words.
I did matter enough for the budget for that. I don't matter enough still.
And here I am waiting for a source code that will never be broadcast to this sleepers uneventful life.
Waiting for someone to come in from the dark. Waiting on the wrong side of the electronic veil.
Confined in economic containment too close to the epicenter of something I wasn't supposed to understand.
Abandoned like I was by the dead in my life.
I rattle on. Because its like missing a dear friend. But these men are like the people one misses who weren't good for you to care about.
They used me and took what they came for - whatever that was. Everything with them was a game - a game they understood and a game they knew the rules of - a game they didn't play to win because they had done so already before they even contacted me.
I am perhaps proud to say I don't have a name but I am among the losers in the world. The nameless losers. They never had a name with me. But they had a name for me.
I never asked them much - it wasn't as I assume they thought - out of some narcissism on my part. I just wanted to keep their lies to a minimum. I assumed Dave wasn't a Dave anymore than Mike was a Mike. I knew better than to ask about their personal lives or family. I knew their amicability wasn't real. And though I was so lonely at the time - I couldn't help but fall for their brilliant acting abilities so as to convince me I matter and that I was perhaps a bit more than just an acquaintance. Gosh Dave was really good at that. So I never asked the questions of them that I would have if they hadn't been in the line of work they were. But I thought about it. In fact I thought about it so naturally because they strung me along as if I was almost a friend that I'd reflexively think about them in reciprocating ways. And with some self discipline I had to turn off my questions of their personal life because I am sure they would answer in convincing ways within the part of a character they played like an actor. So trying to just stay within a dimension as real as possibly out of respect for them and their work and private lives - I didn't indulge those tendencies in me to ask. Perhaps that is what I want to say. I was very interested in those guys. But to be polite and to keep the lies and the character parts being played to a minimum - that that was a form of respect and admiration. But then I admired these guys more with respect and admiration that they would scold me for even having if ever we could talk off the record.
I don't know.
But do they understand the Rustbelt or what it is like to be a trapped Rustbelter. Contained. And even if they understand do they care. What kind of people were they - who did they become. One thing is for sure they don't wonder what I am doing at this very moment - as often as I wonder that about them.
They altered my mind which changed my values - but in some way my life didn't really change. I'm still stuck under the mantle of the massive mill stone that is the Rust Belt of the Midwest's neck. Stuck in the confines of economic limitation that drove everyone here to back Trump and hand him the White House - only to then have him forget us by the time he bothered to even make the appearance for the media of attempting to start the privilege of downsizing it and to begin residing in the White House.
I say its time for a new National Anthem - or perhaps at the least the addition of another one and with this post I am submitting my nomination for the theme song to the original Hawaii Five-O TV show.
I have thoughts and opinions to contribute and perhaps if considered - perhaps even if experimentally implemented - yeah well - ha reality is knocking - what is this blogette about - it is about being confined to obscurity - electronically circumvented so as not to be seen. Threat neutralized. Case subject all but deceased. File closed. Boxed up - filed away and inaccessible. The thought police came in did their surgery and left me with the psychic equivalent of full frontal lobotomy (full frontal pun couldn't be resisted because gosh those guys were all sexy aye-Gents) and the work of my hand by writing has resulted in my miserable existence being rerouted information and imagination to the lonely corners of the web of obscurity and oblivion unseen and unread - unavailable even if Googled. Such is my electronic banishment.
I joined The Dissappeared. Except I am here. I function in a life of spartan economics. Without holidays or moments to look forward. Forgotten. Family and friends all died and left me with an assortment of tombstones.
Like every attempt in my life this too was a waste of time - except this time it wasn't a waste of time for me - it was a privilege to engage for a few rare moments with better minds from better economic classes with better educations with these Agents of the dark. Their privilege rubbed off on to me as my lack of privilege soiled their hands and minds and perhaps wasted their precious time in their remarkable careers. Perhaps that is my only consolation. I somehow managed to waste the time of someone better than me - wasted the budget of a department that I question the ethics of. Although that was never my intention it was at the beginning of this entire charade a thought that has been there since this all started. A thought long since forgotten that writing like this has drudged up from my memory. Like when they first came a knocking that day - they went to my neighbor who then called me to tell me these nefarious men in black were on their doorstep looking for me - and it was all so laughable - and for once in my life - some strange force - an instinct for survival rightly welled up in me and I had a good laugh. Back then it was Scott and Mike. Dave hadn't yet been brought in for what I presumed was training. In those days I thought I was being used as a training exercise and I acquiesced out of curiosity and perhaps hope that I would be needed outside of the trap of the Rustbelt. That I would end up back over seas to other worlds I was then keenly interested in - places that have now been reduced to near rubble. Or I had hoped I would find a path to work just out of the Rustbelt - at the least. Or that my forays into real estate wouldn't have been trampled on and questioned by Spooks to such a threatening degree as they were. It was a courageous and naive attempt on my part to try to make something for myself within the confines of the Rustbelt - and though it was all my fault... I learned some good lessons ...my only regret is not having a property now with which to rent to apply the lessons learned from my mistakes. Well Spooks a spooking and gut disease and the subsequent mental health complications that go with a cocktail such as all that aren't good for business. I take the blame. And they blamed me for it then callously and perhaps ballsy of them and they walked away and didn't look back and they have no regret or shame or conscience about it. I am out of their picture - beyond the scope of their sacred secret realm where they can choose to apply their conscience to their world. But I don't inhabit that world. And boy did they let me know that. I only saw an inaccurate glimmer of their world from the privileged moments I got confined to the back seat of rental automobile.
And all I am left with is laughing at myself. Being embarrassed by myself. By learning very fast how inconsequential I am and how entirely expendable. I'm so expendable I am not even worth the trouble of being expended. I was left to being confined to the cave of my own ineptitude and failure within the Rustbelt. My college education nor decade overseas nor time spent beyond the confines of the West to those places few Americans seldom ever see was going to save me from my own ineptitude without my spouse there to help steer me away from the traps of my own making. But these guys left me on that collision course - watched it happen - perhaps even egged it on with snide commentaries. And here I am confined to anonymity in the Rustbelt and within the electronic frontier. And I just have to be thankful it isn't the literal prison cell my sister Margo inhabited for 38 years that I am confined to in the Midwest. I have to be content that I am not in a coffin or another unaccounted for corpse beneath the surface somewhere. But this - this life of mine - is an existence much like being buried alive. No partner. No one to date. Because I wouldn't want to share my gut disease or mental health with anyone. I have to be a stalwart bachelor lacking a hug since Margo died back in '15. Buried alive in a burnt out neighborhood. Stuck in a used house long past its expiration date. And despite the stock markets historic achievements at present I am stuck in entry level retail where I struggle to compete. With no vacation days to look forward to. No retirement. Just existence - and confinement trapped in a casket of a life none of these Agents I knew would care to inhabit with me for even a week.
And I have to be thankful to do so everyday I have without having to drag a colostomy bag around. My life is in effect over. It ended in the Spring on 2013 with Daves farewell conversation via a telephone call. Little more than a text message break-up. A call he was making out of obligation - a call he didn't seem to want to make but a call that wasn't really pleasant either. And as it became apparent where it was going all I could blurt out was something like from a song from the old film the Breakfast Club - really - really that was the best I could summon for such a moment. Don't forget about me. A line once delivered I regretted. But getting basically told as much as to be fired or broken up with - I've survived divorce and I possibly found this departure from my life much harder. Because at least in divorce I knew what was wrong on both sides of that equation. In this equation all I wanted to know was why. Why this. Why me. Why the interrogations. What were you guys up to and what did you want from me. And I never, never knew. And I had to use my imagination to fill in the blanks. And when they retreated from the ether of reality from whence they came that curious imagination turned on me and sent me into a modern day suburban out patient insane asylum. And well some of that dynamic is on their conscience - As of course it was one of their threats. Or somehow fullfilling prophecies - and I had to will myself to get better with no help from the consequences of their superior meddling forces. And so I write this appealing to their sense of humanity and compassion to just somehow - be there - on the other end of this electronic line - to pierce the electronic veil that they control - and to for chrissakes - offer a hand up - if not a hand out. And just because some of their victims are dead - and I'm not - not reaching up with a skeletal arm from a grave beneath the surface - I am alive - and reaching - wanting to know some why's - and also - how's so as to get out of this rut of economic entrapment that is the Rustbelt. I have always maintained that a better tactic they could have used would have been just that. No hand out - but a hand up. To understand something of the world I was in. To be illuminated about the economics of this place - and instead of threats of consequences for trying in real estate - some analysis and gee - even just encouragement - would have gone a long way.
So now I sit at home alone - sip the occasional Gin Tonic and watch some Spy related TV show, or documentary or movie to get closer to the memories I have of them. I haven't had a crush like this in a long time nor one so enduring. And like crushes are its all so one dimensional. Its only happening on my side - the forgotten side - of the electronic veil. I am not even a foot note in their careers memory or a regret - or a nagging voice from within their buried conscience that their formidable careers and paycheck and benefits - formidable when compared to mine - keep them detached from having to deal with.
I am here though. Waiting. Like a widow on the roof walk of a house in denial about a husband who will not come home from having met with the Siren of the song from the sea.
I am here - I will wait. Tending to gravestones and not going anywhere. Steadfast in my own way. Having accepted the curse of the Rustbelt economic containment. Accepting being dismissed. Grateful for having been relieved even if I didn't want to be. Perhaps even grateful I wasn't killed off.
I will though regret always not being sent to some lonesome mobile home in a dry climate away from whatever went on around me here.
That is perhaps my one bit of criticism to that Agency. To those men. That I was left like a sitting duck and perhaps that was the fate they assigned to me to have to face. The consequences for something I was to never be illuminated on that happened around me. That's a bitter realization to face in these revealing words.
I did matter enough for the budget for that. I don't matter enough still.
And here I am waiting for a source code that will never be broadcast to this sleepers uneventful life.
Waiting for someone to come in from the dark. Waiting on the wrong side of the electronic veil.
Confined in economic containment too close to the epicenter of something I wasn't supposed to understand.
Abandoned like I was by the dead in my life.
I rattle on. Because its like missing a dear friend. But these men are like the people one misses who weren't good for you to care about.
They used me and took what they came for - whatever that was. Everything with them was a game - a game they understood and a game they knew the rules of - a game they didn't play to win because they had done so already before they even contacted me.
I am perhaps proud to say I don't have a name but I am among the losers in the world. The nameless losers. They never had a name with me. But they had a name for me.
I never asked them much - it wasn't as I assume they thought - out of some narcissism on my part. I just wanted to keep their lies to a minimum. I assumed Dave wasn't a Dave anymore than Mike was a Mike. I knew better than to ask about their personal lives or family. I knew their amicability wasn't real. And though I was so lonely at the time - I couldn't help but fall for their brilliant acting abilities so as to convince me I matter and that I was perhaps a bit more than just an acquaintance. Gosh Dave was really good at that. So I never asked the questions of them that I would have if they hadn't been in the line of work they were. But I thought about it. In fact I thought about it so naturally because they strung me along as if I was almost a friend that I'd reflexively think about them in reciprocating ways. And with some self discipline I had to turn off my questions of their personal life because I am sure they would answer in convincing ways within the part of a character they played like an actor. So trying to just stay within a dimension as real as possibly out of respect for them and their work and private lives - I didn't indulge those tendencies in me to ask. Perhaps that is what I want to say. I was very interested in those guys. But to be polite and to keep the lies and the character parts being played to a minimum - that that was a form of respect and admiration. But then I admired these guys more with respect and admiration that they would scold me for even having if ever we could talk off the record.
I don't know.
But do they understand the Rustbelt or what it is like to be a trapped Rustbelter. Contained. And even if they understand do they care. What kind of people were they - who did they become. One thing is for sure they don't wonder what I am doing at this very moment - as often as I wonder that about them.
They altered my mind which changed my values - but in some way my life didn't really change. I'm still stuck under the mantle of the massive mill stone that is the Rust Belt of the Midwest's neck. Stuck in the confines of economic limitation that drove everyone here to back Trump and hand him the White House - only to then have him forget us by the time he bothered to even make the appearance for the media of attempting to start the privilege of downsizing it and to begin residing in the White House.
I say its time for a new National Anthem - or perhaps at the least the addition of another one and with this post I am submitting my nomination for the theme song to the original Hawaii Five-O TV show.
I have thoughts and opinions to contribute and perhaps if considered - perhaps even if experimentally implemented - yeah well - ha reality is knocking - what is this blogette about - it is about being confined to obscurity - electronically circumvented so as not to be seen. Threat neutralized. Case subject all but deceased. File closed. Boxed up - filed away and inaccessible. The thought police came in did their surgery and left me with the psychic equivalent of full frontal lobotomy (full frontal pun couldn't be resisted because gosh those guys were all sexy aye-Gents) and the work of my hand by writing has resulted in my miserable existence being rerouted information and imagination to the lonely corners of the web of obscurity and oblivion unseen and unread - unavailable even if Googled. Such is my electronic banishment.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
The Consequences of Secrets; Unrepentant Diarrhea
My weight dipped down to below 155 pounds. Then back up to 158. Unrepentant diarrhea and puking has set in and I'm not eating. Of course I suspect poisoning but the banal reality is I'm probably just reacting to one of the meds I'm already on. By the end of the week I will be below 70kgs.
What are the consequences of secrets is my question - not a secret or a specific set of secrets but what are the consequences of a career in secrets and lies to harvest information. With all the things that are seen by these Agents when things go tits up - what is the effect of that on an individual. Just because you can see the carnage and consequence what does it mean when something less bloody happened. Say a broken heart or in my case a broken life. Well at least I didn't end up in a dumpster. To which I'd add - the day isn't over... (as the character Lana from the TV Show Archer often says).
I'm not sure unrepentant diarrhea is much better of a fate than another body discarded in a dumpster. And perhaps in some way I do have a broken heart and I don't want to admit it. To be groomed and set up for something that never made sense nor that came into the focus of my understanding to then be abandoned after coming to the conclusion that I'd do anything for these guys. There is something of broken heart within this broken life. The only thing I have left are these words. The memories are trickster at best. There are not conversations with these types anymore. No answers to these calls herein contained. No fuel for the fires of imagination. Just a broken life and a broken heart and a wasting disease.
What are the consequences of secrets is my question - not a secret or a specific set of secrets but what are the consequences of a career in secrets and lies to harvest information. With all the things that are seen by these Agents when things go tits up - what is the effect of that on an individual. Just because you can see the carnage and consequence what does it mean when something less bloody happened. Say a broken heart or in my case a broken life. Well at least I didn't end up in a dumpster. To which I'd add - the day isn't over... (as the character Lana from the TV Show Archer often says).
I'm not sure unrepentant diarrhea is much better of a fate than another body discarded in a dumpster. And perhaps in some way I do have a broken heart and I don't want to admit it. To be groomed and set up for something that never made sense nor that came into the focus of my understanding to then be abandoned after coming to the conclusion that I'd do anything for these guys. There is something of broken heart within this broken life. The only thing I have left are these words. The memories are trickster at best. There are not conversations with these types anymore. No answers to these calls herein contained. No fuel for the fires of imagination. Just a broken life and a broken heart and a wasting disease.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
On Having Been Ghosted By Spooks
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Dave
...Monticello's Properties Jefferson calling Dave, come in Dave...
Weighing in at 158 and still dropping.
I am pissing sh*t out my *ss at the moment from days and nights of extreme diarrhea.
Living alone and being sick is not easy and I'm doing this all whilst having put in 55 hours in one week at work. I am sleep deprived from being sick and my gut not letting me sleep. I am dehydrated from the diarrhea. More - so much more is coming out than going in and its been only liquid anyway. And I have to shower and pull a night shift in this condition.
I'm guessing any content I upload gets automatically forced into a dark corner of the Web inaccessible to most... except you.
And I'm guessing you are going to remain concealed in your own dark corner.
And I don't think there is much more for me to say.
I still do not understand the radio silence and I don't suppose I ever will.
I keep hoping that some shred of humanity buried deep within you contacts me but you and I both know that won't happen. I am not nor ever will be the recipient of any shreds of humanity within you. In short I am just the miserable contents of a file that went across your desk and was as the title of this blog states shelved to obscurity. Or rather shredded to obscurity. Deleted.
Isn't there some sort of underling you can send my way on your behalf just so I can sort of come to some reasonable way to put all this past to rest. Ask a few questions that won't be answered. Get a pat on the head so to speak.
Or how about a call or text with mysterious coordinates to meet someone at. Barring all that could you just stop and consider my dimension of life for a meditative moments. No family, living alone, aging. permanently gut sick, working a lot with no benefits. All while being heavily dosed for Depression and a whole slew of things Veterans from recent deployments face despite my not having ever served.
When I look back on my life overseas and all I tried to cultivate there disintegrating so fast and being left with this here - its beyond chilling. I has been difficult in this decade since to wake up every day here trapped in the Rustbelt like this. Knowing of better places and better ways of life. And just having to keep my head down and be stuck here within the outer belt of a 2 or 3rd tier city. Stuck here and unable to connect with anyone content with this place.
And a latent fascination and infatuation set in - I will always see you as I did those times you had the light beard of yours grown out or perhaps it was a very convincing synthetic beard. But that is how I remember you. Youthful, bearded, cocky in professional ways and yet ultimately well mannered. When I was around you and your colleague cohort du jour and/or Mike - I enjoyed the exposure to your intellect - that was the refreshing privilege to my life confined within this Rustbelt city - getting to for a moment to relate to you - it felt like getting lifted out of this reality of ghetto meth head ex-con poverty and low education types. For a few brief moments I felt what it was like to be on an intellectual level closer to the one you inhabit. There hasn't been much of that here. Except in the brief moments I get to talk to a medical Doctor or Surgeon (and often times those are just students). What baffles me about the Rustbelt is how intellectually and economically segregated we are here. I'm not saying I am all that but I have to settle for hanging out with people who have not been to college and who have not been overseas. I don't understand their struggles with addiction and the Law anymore than I understand this economic and intellectual segregation I am trapped in.
Could you not in all your stealth like expertise meet me off the Grid of your affiliations past or present or future knowing. Could you not play some character and find a way to meet me. Maybe I am wrong but some kind of communication with you or at least your kind might help me be able to lay all this to rest somehow. Or maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it would just give me something more to write to about.
Is there nothing for you to learn or benefit from such a conversation with me. And if not could you then do this out of some sort of humanity gracious generosity that I know is well within your character.
Trust me you don't want to be me. You don't want to be confined in this life as I am. This life there are reasons it all added up to this non-existence that I have to abide with. I could inventory the chain of events and decisions that brought me here and left me here.
You turned me and won me over and yet to be honest I had a better life before that. Meet me at that DC Museum is probably too much to ask. I dunno - take my car for a drive - so you can literally and figuratively grasp just about the only fun I have in life. How about some cold war era like rendez-vous over Gin tonics.
All I can say is that I am living and working for and paying for my own existence. I am stuck in economic and social confinement and its only natural that in some odd way I am pining for some trans-dimensional communique from you.
Weighing in at 158 and still dropping.
I am pissing sh*t out my *ss at the moment from days and nights of extreme diarrhea.
Living alone and being sick is not easy and I'm doing this all whilst having put in 55 hours in one week at work. I am sleep deprived from being sick and my gut not letting me sleep. I am dehydrated from the diarrhea. More - so much more is coming out than going in and its been only liquid anyway. And I have to shower and pull a night shift in this condition.
I'm guessing any content I upload gets automatically forced into a dark corner of the Web inaccessible to most... except you.
And I'm guessing you are going to remain concealed in your own dark corner.
And I don't think there is much more for me to say.
I still do not understand the radio silence and I don't suppose I ever will.
I keep hoping that some shred of humanity buried deep within you contacts me but you and I both know that won't happen. I am not nor ever will be the recipient of any shreds of humanity within you. In short I am just the miserable contents of a file that went across your desk and was as the title of this blog states shelved to obscurity. Or rather shredded to obscurity. Deleted.
Isn't there some sort of underling you can send my way on your behalf just so I can sort of come to some reasonable way to put all this past to rest. Ask a few questions that won't be answered. Get a pat on the head so to speak.
Or how about a call or text with mysterious coordinates to meet someone at. Barring all that could you just stop and consider my dimension of life for a meditative moments. No family, living alone, aging. permanently gut sick, working a lot with no benefits. All while being heavily dosed for Depression and a whole slew of things Veterans from recent deployments face despite my not having ever served.
When I look back on my life overseas and all I tried to cultivate there disintegrating so fast and being left with this here - its beyond chilling. I has been difficult in this decade since to wake up every day here trapped in the Rustbelt like this. Knowing of better places and better ways of life. And just having to keep my head down and be stuck here within the outer belt of a 2 or 3rd tier city. Stuck here and unable to connect with anyone content with this place.
And a latent fascination and infatuation set in - I will always see you as I did those times you had the light beard of yours grown out or perhaps it was a very convincing synthetic beard. But that is how I remember you. Youthful, bearded, cocky in professional ways and yet ultimately well mannered. When I was around you and your colleague cohort du jour and/or Mike - I enjoyed the exposure to your intellect - that was the refreshing privilege to my life confined within this Rustbelt city - getting to for a moment to relate to you - it felt like getting lifted out of this reality of ghetto meth head ex-con poverty and low education types. For a few brief moments I felt what it was like to be on an intellectual level closer to the one you inhabit. There hasn't been much of that here. Except in the brief moments I get to talk to a medical Doctor or Surgeon (and often times those are just students). What baffles me about the Rustbelt is how intellectually and economically segregated we are here. I'm not saying I am all that but I have to settle for hanging out with people who have not been to college and who have not been overseas. I don't understand their struggles with addiction and the Law anymore than I understand this economic and intellectual segregation I am trapped in.
Could you not in all your stealth like expertise meet me off the Grid of your affiliations past or present or future knowing. Could you not play some character and find a way to meet me. Maybe I am wrong but some kind of communication with you or at least your kind might help me be able to lay all this to rest somehow. Or maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it would just give me something more to write to about.
Is there nothing for you to learn or benefit from such a conversation with me. And if not could you then do this out of some sort of humanity gracious generosity that I know is well within your character.
Trust me you don't want to be me. You don't want to be confined in this life as I am. This life there are reasons it all added up to this non-existence that I have to abide with. I could inventory the chain of events and decisions that brought me here and left me here.
You turned me and won me over and yet to be honest I had a better life before that. Meet me at that DC Museum is probably too much to ask. I dunno - take my car for a drive - so you can literally and figuratively grasp just about the only fun I have in life. How about some cold war era like rendez-vous over Gin tonics.
All I can say is that I am living and working for and paying for my own existence. I am stuck in economic and social confinement and its only natural that in some odd way I am pining for some trans-dimensional communique from you.
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Left Behind
I'm weighing in at 162. Fatigue without fatigues or camo or anything mossy oaked.
At some point I realized no answer to these electronic flares were going to be answered. I tell myself my words so self published, however, furtively or dangerously were not going to be read by the intended person or agency or associates thereof I wrote them for. In a better world they would read these desperate construct of words and respond. A cameo in camo's would somehow manifest in my daily life. No business cards left stuck at the front door now. Mike and Dave - my very own Mike and Ike's. Well you threatened me with insanity and it happened so now what? Does this make you conclude you were successful or powerful that your words became a prophecy? Did you really see my attempt at life and free thinking as treasonous or a threat. Or was I just a curiosity for you to study? What were the moral implications of your interrogations that would play out in my personal life during your visits and well beyond. Just because you have the privilege to disappear - does that give you license to not consider the implications your work and disappearance would have on me to this day. My life is now confined in an economic strata between crack-heads, meth-heads, water-heads and "ho's" on the one hand to Nurses and Doctors on the other and in between its just retail servitude. This isn't a life. It's an existence - containment - nothing more. Had I just been taken down in those days when we met by some bullet or staged suicide - I'd argue that that would have perhaps been more humane that to build me up - to jerk my mind into thinking something genuine and "big" was happening and that I would useful. Useful is just all I have wanted to be - to whoever was paying the most for whatever cause. So that was a lie. Even though of course you said you wouldn't lie to me and that's another lie. Well I never lied to you even if I had a cloudy mind and couldn't always think clearly.
And still I think very highly of you (both). Even though you and I both know I shouldn't. I can't help it. I think very highly of you. I still feel and believe it was a privilege to meet with you. And I write this knowing your contempt and obvious critical analysis at my pathetic attempt at life. With all your brilliance and intellect did you ever stop to think what it must be like to be trapped in the capsule of my life with its intellectual and emotional limitations. Did you give thanks for that. Were you aware of how badly I wanted to break out of this encapsulation of my mortal and mental existence. And that if couldn't do that how much I just wanted to work (outside of retail) for a viable or livable wage.
Were you aware of how I wanted to pin all my medical bills to the wall in my living room and blow my brains out on those bills - spraying my brains on them - so that when my body was found weeks later someone would know why I had done it. And somehow in that equation I could think someone examining all that would care or understand.
And like a bad crush I still can't get you out of my mind - either of you - still. It's been how long now. I think about you more times that I feel comfortable admitting. A few times a day - still. Just as I do my ex - still. Mike and Ike left. My ex pushed me out of our home and life overseas. My mother had passed away - then my father - then Rebecca - then Margo - and of course Rusty. And where did this leave me. I ask myself why was I left behind. Left behind - two words that haunt me and now define everything about me. Left behind and left in a mental health and gut disease syndrome I wouldn't wish on anyone. Left behind in isolation and self doubt.
Infatuated with you guys to the point of blind faith. Still. I literally would have done anything you told me to and I would have naively thought it would have been alright. At least you did not use that dynamic to dispose of me. That is to your moral credit. But what if you had just given my failing life some help or support - how would things be different now. Perhaps I would have gotten out of retail which as I told you is all I have ever wanted. And possibly had a less crushing mental health illness. Likewise would it really be so taxing to reappear in my life to assist me in finding a way to grasp and file away my experiences with you. Whisked off to DC with some decent hotel accommodation and a couple visits. Or even just here. I miss the magic that you brought with your time. I wish you knew what it was like to witness that from my end. Mostly I just wish you wanted me to talk to you rather than me wishing I could talk to you.
At some point I realized no answer to these electronic flares were going to be answered. I tell myself my words so self published, however, furtively or dangerously were not going to be read by the intended person or agency or associates thereof I wrote them for. In a better world they would read these desperate construct of words and respond. A cameo in camo's would somehow manifest in my daily life. No business cards left stuck at the front door now. Mike and Dave - my very own Mike and Ike's. Well you threatened me with insanity and it happened so now what? Does this make you conclude you were successful or powerful that your words became a prophecy? Did you really see my attempt at life and free thinking as treasonous or a threat. Or was I just a curiosity for you to study? What were the moral implications of your interrogations that would play out in my personal life during your visits and well beyond. Just because you have the privilege to disappear - does that give you license to not consider the implications your work and disappearance would have on me to this day. My life is now confined in an economic strata between crack-heads, meth-heads, water-heads and "ho's" on the one hand to Nurses and Doctors on the other and in between its just retail servitude. This isn't a life. It's an existence - containment - nothing more. Had I just been taken down in those days when we met by some bullet or staged suicide - I'd argue that that would have perhaps been more humane that to build me up - to jerk my mind into thinking something genuine and "big" was happening and that I would useful. Useful is just all I have wanted to be - to whoever was paying the most for whatever cause. So that was a lie. Even though of course you said you wouldn't lie to me and that's another lie. Well I never lied to you even if I had a cloudy mind and couldn't always think clearly.
And still I think very highly of you (both). Even though you and I both know I shouldn't. I can't help it. I think very highly of you. I still feel and believe it was a privilege to meet with you. And I write this knowing your contempt and obvious critical analysis at my pathetic attempt at life. With all your brilliance and intellect did you ever stop to think what it must be like to be trapped in the capsule of my life with its intellectual and emotional limitations. Did you give thanks for that. Were you aware of how badly I wanted to break out of this encapsulation of my mortal and mental existence. And that if couldn't do that how much I just wanted to work (outside of retail) for a viable or livable wage.
Were you aware of how I wanted to pin all my medical bills to the wall in my living room and blow my brains out on those bills - spraying my brains on them - so that when my body was found weeks later someone would know why I had done it. And somehow in that equation I could think someone examining all that would care or understand.
And like a bad crush I still can't get you out of my mind - either of you - still. It's been how long now. I think about you more times that I feel comfortable admitting. A few times a day - still. Just as I do my ex - still. Mike and Ike left. My ex pushed me out of our home and life overseas. My mother had passed away - then my father - then Rebecca - then Margo - and of course Rusty. And where did this leave me. I ask myself why was I left behind. Left behind - two words that haunt me and now define everything about me. Left behind and left in a mental health and gut disease syndrome I wouldn't wish on anyone. Left behind in isolation and self doubt.
Infatuated with you guys to the point of blind faith. Still. I literally would have done anything you told me to and I would have naively thought it would have been alright. At least you did not use that dynamic to dispose of me. That is to your moral credit. But what if you had just given my failing life some help or support - how would things be different now. Perhaps I would have gotten out of retail which as I told you is all I have ever wanted. And possibly had a less crushing mental health illness. Likewise would it really be so taxing to reappear in my life to assist me in finding a way to grasp and file away my experiences with you. Whisked off to DC with some decent hotel accommodation and a couple visits. Or even just here. I miss the magic that you brought with your time. I wish you knew what it was like to witness that from my end. Mostly I just wish you wanted me to talk to you rather than me wishing I could talk to you.
Friday, July 7, 2017
What Part of Self Described "Post De-Radicalized" Man Did You Not Ketch
I'm not sure when I realized I had been "radicalized" but certain people back then close to me discussed it though never with me - although looking back perhaps they should have. Then later I'm also not sure when I realized I had been "de-radicalized". Its not like I ever set out to be radicalized or later de-radicalized. It was more like chasing a White Rabbit to quote Jefferson Aeroplane. Ah, back to Jefferson. Red haired Jefferson and an alias that I thought was moving on up to the Middle Eastside in the back seat of Monte Carlo Dave's car. Nothing is or was ever as it seemed. Which might be why I never thought in terms of being radicalized or de-radicalized but looking back it sure seems so from this post de-radicalized point on the continuum of a life so loosely lived as mine.
The White Rabbit for me were ideas - of my own - and that is perhaps why I never saw radicalization as myself. Ideas that I was chasing - fragments of knowledge from books and the media that seemed to lead me. Or perhaps quite possibly through an unseen electronic agent of any sort I was being led as one nowadays can be led by misinformation. Manipulated - directed to places in ones mind one would not normally go that can lead to other parts of the world as in my case. Either ideas that were solely my own or perhaps from an invisible electronic hand I was led into thinking those very ideas as if they were my own - Well lead me they did to worlds within worlds of this world. From Bruxelles to Paris to Dubai to Karachi to Multan to Lahore to back to Dubai to Abu Dhabi to Sana'a to back to the UAE to Paris and Brussels and then back to a cold storage interrogation waiting room for hours ran by armed military types. Waiting and waiting in the parts of the JFK airport most travelers are lucky to not know are there just beyond the main travel hallways.
To here to more operatives of service secrets - to now here years later - with too many questions for ones mental health services therapist to know how to respond to.
And here I am losing weight and sending up electronic flares from my co-ordinates and getting trapped within an electronic universe of billions and billions and billions of other peoples bytes of information and misinformation.
And time will get piled on to this electronic flare of mine - and it will go unanswered except of course by myself. And eventually from being shelved to obscurity I will get buried under obscurity and then I will be gone. And then later perhaps someone will stumble on these words and want to know more. And I wish you were here now to ask tough questions because perhaps your questions would help me with some of my own my pressing existential ones that relate to being a lost post de-radicalized soul.
The White Rabbit for me were ideas - of my own - and that is perhaps why I never saw radicalization as myself. Ideas that I was chasing - fragments of knowledge from books and the media that seemed to lead me. Or perhaps quite possibly through an unseen electronic agent of any sort I was being led as one nowadays can be led by misinformation. Manipulated - directed to places in ones mind one would not normally go that can lead to other parts of the world as in my case. Either ideas that were solely my own or perhaps from an invisible electronic hand I was led into thinking those very ideas as if they were my own - Well lead me they did to worlds within worlds of this world. From Bruxelles to Paris to Dubai to Karachi to Multan to Lahore to back to Dubai to Abu Dhabi to Sana'a to back to the UAE to Paris and Brussels and then back to a cold storage interrogation waiting room for hours ran by armed military types. Waiting and waiting in the parts of the JFK airport most travelers are lucky to not know are there just beyond the main travel hallways.
To here to more operatives of service secrets - to now here years later - with too many questions for ones mental health services therapist to know how to respond to.
And here I am losing weight and sending up electronic flares from my co-ordinates and getting trapped within an electronic universe of billions and billions and billions of other peoples bytes of information and misinformation.
And time will get piled on to this electronic flare of mine - and it will go unanswered except of course by myself. And eventually from being shelved to obscurity I will get buried under obscurity and then I will be gone. And then later perhaps someone will stumble on these words and want to know more. And I wish you were here now to ask tough questions because perhaps your questions would help me with some of my own my pressing existential ones that relate to being a lost post de-radicalized soul.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Deradicalized Subject Notes to Self: Sending Up PTSD Electronic Flares Because There Is Nothing Else To Do Here. Marooned In Insanity.
I am down to 166 lbs.
I feel like I am on the verge of suicide and yet I am not hurting myself.
I want help but I can't seem to get it.
I'm lonely. There is no one to talk to. And so I am submitting this less than admirable non professional report.
The music at work gets in my head and makes me crazy - that insanity is compounded by tinnitus.
My perception of time is that it either is sped up or so slow that I have fallen out of time. Either way I fall into a panic.
I am lonely.
I'm physically and emotionally lonely.
This isn't good writing but it is where I am at. These words indicate concerning symptoms and yet they will go unnoticed.
I'm trying to send up an electronic flare from my critical marooned isolation. If it is seen it will be disregarded. The words I fail at writing do not matter. It is only more of myself that continues to be unseen. Wasted words perhaps.
Some guy in line at a bakery I stopped in at put his hand on my shoulder to pass behind me in a confined crowd - it made me realize how long it has been since I've had any gentle touch.
He spoke confidently in a voice that had been sometime back shaped by involvement in a college Fraternity - He said that "he didn't want to 'wang' me" as he wedged himself through the narrow area at the check out. I said I wouldn't mind if he did. We laughed or rather guffawed. He went and sat down with his family.
People like me don't make family. It's for the best. But it is not easy carrying on like this.
I miss talking to the agents because at least they feigned interest and were well educated and professionally trained, intellectual and of a social and professional caliber well above my station in this country. They ran on a certain clockwork. Methodically, punctually, regularly. I appreciated the conversation. I hope I made them laugh and I hope some of those laughs will be remembered were with me. I suspect though more I was the object of their laughter now forgotten. What I haven't forgotten are their cutting comments and seemingly off the cuff assessments - the stinging judgments passed. What if they had just helped a little instead.
I feel trapped in the US - in Belgium I knew people from around the world from all different classes of life. Here I am stuck in one depressing strata of urban poverty and social malaise defined by neighbors burnt out on opiods, meth and too many blunts.
I really want help. Professional help. I really need a case worker who can grasp my somewhat deceptive circumstance. I can't seem to get connected with anyone for any assistance.
Why if my life is over am I the last one to get the message and why if my life is over must my heart still beat.
What is wrong with me and how do I get help. This nagging, nagging sense that something is very wrong.
It always feels like something is wrong. It always has. It still feels like the tragedy that unfolded in 1976 is still happening.
I'm in angst and I cry and I panic and I just want someone to talk to or be there on some level. Why am I stuck in these post family nightmare equations that wont end until I do - why can't I just be free of this and find my own life.
How can I be like this - for so long.
Why do I just get to watch everyone else having a life and i'm trapped in a psychotic dimension of the past.
...and on to the next half-nervous break down...
Its 5:23 am and my heart is racing.
I can't get back to sleep.
In the 17 years with my ex this didn't happen.
We always slept together no matter what...
No nights of personal terror of being trapped alone.
...even if we weren't always able to reside in the same country we always shared a bed.
Their life went on.
Mine went back to where I had left it for Belgium
It hasn't gone on much from there.
When I awoke at 4 am i was thinking I don't want to die.
It's either I think my life is over and that I should be dead.
Or that I should just get the inevitable over with.
To being afraid of being dead.
And not wanting life to be over.
Then its another panic attack at 4:33 am
And to take my mind of that I think to the past as one does.
And to take my mind of that I think to the past as one does.
I am not the asset - Perhaps never was.
The short term asset of sorts for invisible agents.
For which I never mattered.
The only time I think I've ever been an asset and I never understood my place in their equation.
And they never understood the toll their machinations and designs had on me.
Nor do they now care.
I am sure they are tucked away in well appointed addresses of a suburban nature with three car garages and insulated by a wealth I will never know.
Anyways I am not that asset now.
I am not someones husband.
I am not someones brother.
I am not someones son.
I'm scratching my head over thinking am I someones friend.
Because no one is calling, emailing, texting. The doorbell hasn't rung in so long I periodically check it myself to make sure it still works.
These nights are very difficult
I remember having things to look forward to. Places to go and people to go there with.
To now.
Trapped alone in some bachelor syndrome.
I guess this is what being a post "de-radicalized" looks like - None of this I would wish on anyone.
I guess this is what being a post "de-radicalized" looks like - None of this I would wish on anyone.
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