What Part of Self Described "Post De-Radicalized" Man Did You Not Ketch

I'm not sure when I realized I had been "radicalized" but certain people back then close to me discussed it though never with me - although looking back perhaps they should have. Then later I'm also not sure when I realized I had been "de-radicalized". Its not like I ever set out to be radicalized or later de-radicalized. It was more like chasing a White Rabbit to quote Jefferson Aeroplane. Ah, back to Jefferson. Red haired Jefferson and an alias that I thought was moving on up to the Middle Eastside in the back seat of Monte Carlo Dave's car. Nothing is or was ever as it seemed. Which might be why I never thought in terms of being radicalized or de-radicalized but looking back it sure seems so from this post de-radicalized point on the continuum of a life so loosely lived as mine.
The White Rabbit for me were ideas - of my own - and that is perhaps why I never saw radicalization as myself. Ideas that I was chasing - fragments of knowledge from books and the media that seemed to lead me. Or perhaps quite possibly through an unseen electronic agent of any sort I was being led as one nowadays can be led by misinformation. Manipulated - directed to places in ones mind one would not normally go that can lead to other parts of the world as in my case. Either ideas that were solely my own or perhaps from an invisible electronic hand I was led into thinking those very ideas as if they were my own - Well lead me they did to worlds within worlds of this world. From Bruxelles to Paris to Dubai to Karachi to Multan to Lahore to back to Dubai to Abu Dhabi to Sana'a to back to the UAE to Paris and Brussels and then back to a cold storage interrogation waiting room for hours ran by armed military types. Waiting and waiting in the parts of the JFK airport most travelers are lucky to not know are there just beyond the main travel hallways.
To here to more operatives of service secrets - to now here years later - with too many questions for ones mental health services therapist to know how to respond to.
And here I am losing weight and sending up electronic flares from my co-ordinates and getting trapped within an electronic universe of billions and billions and billions of other peoples bytes of information and misinformation.
And time will get piled on to this electronic flare of mine - and it will go unanswered except of course by myself. And eventually from being shelved to obscurity I will get buried under obscurity and then I will be gone. And then later perhaps someone will stumble on these words and want to know more. And I wish you were here now to ask tough questions because perhaps your questions would help me with some of my own my pressing existential ones that relate to being a lost post de-radicalized soul.